Liberals versus conservatives, kitchen edition

I had a device used to fry bacon in the microwave. It got dropped, landed on a corner and cracked. Since it would no longer keep the bacon grease from leaking out, it was useless to me and I tossed it. I still had a similar device, only this one is round. It quickly became apparent that in a bacon-intensive household such as this one, two such devices were needed.

Not one to leave a need unmet, I went to a major national chain's local store that sells products for the kitchen, bedroom bathroom and, um, beyond into other stuff. They had exactly one type of device designed for cooking bacon in the microwave. (Actually, they literally had only one device period, a single example of the only type they offered.) I was unimpressed, as it looked like a Rube Goldberg machine:

Apparently it involved driving a spear through the bacon to cook it hanging on its side. This sounded like something that would take all day to set up. So I went to a mass-market store that liberals love to hate -- oh, fuck it, I went to Walmart. For considerably less than half what the other unworkable device cost, I bought this:

It is a clone of the bacon microwaver I already had and like (not the square one that broke). It is indestructible and easy to use. Conservatives love things that are inexpensive, easy to use and get the job done, be it in the kitchen or government. Liberals like bells and whistles and a big show, and fuck whether it actually works, or costs too much, or any of that shit, as long as it showcases their good intentions. Well, while a liberal is trying to microwave his bacon in that other thing, I will have long since finished eating the bacon I cooked in my new bacon microwaver. The same approach works with government, too -- simpler, less and cheaper is better. Word.

Who was that masked man? I wanted to thank him.

I had a super-hero moment today during which I probably checked off my "good deed" box for the entire year and simultaneously struck a blow against the culture of dependency that Barry seems so intent pushing.

It started simply enough, with me exiting from I-70 to get onto MD 144 East to go home from my Saturday errands. The off ramp was really congested, though, because of a stalled car. The exit normally has two lanes that can turn left onto 144 East. The right lane also can go straight into a residential area, but freaking nobody lives there, apparently, so usually people in the right lane are just trying to bust past the folks in the left lane, as the right lane on 144 East ends about 200 yards past the exit. In any event, in the left lane on the off ramp, about two car-lengths back from the intersection, a car was stalled. I managed to juke over into the right lane and get through the light, but as I passed the stalled car I could see the driver was a lone female who looked kind of distressed.

Here's where shit gets really old-fashioned. After I turned left onto 144 East, I pulled over into a parking area, got out of my car and walked back to the off ramp. I told the woman driving the stalled car -- who turned out to be young, not bad looking and out of gas (this is not really relevant, but much more satisfying on a superficial level for me than if it had been a dude or a really ugly chick -- hey, call me shallow) -- that I was going to push her car through the intersection on the next light cycle so that she wouldn't be blocking traffic and at risk of being rear-ended by an inattentive turd coming off I-70. She seemed grateful for the offer.

To accomplish this, I had to make sure that the right lane folks wouldn't be turning left while I was trying to push this woman's car straight across the intersection in the left lane. Lot's of potential for mayhem there. So I asked the person in the car in the right lane next to the stalled car to wait to turn while I pushed the stalled car through. She agreed -- she was pretty hot, by the way, not that that is relevant, but it was, once again, better on a superficial level than if she had been a dude or a really ugly chick -- and we made some signals to the folks behind us to let them know what we were doing. I'm sure they had no fucking clue what we meant.

 While we were waiting for the light to change so I could start my heroic pushing. I chatted with the hot chick in the right lane and we got to the exchange that made me think I should post about this. Let's face it, I'm a super-hero every day, and I just don't need to brag. This particular event, however, carried with it a lesson that I am about to get to.

The hot chick in the right lane was saying how nice it was that I would do this -- "Just trying to make the world a better place, ma'am" -- and then commented that her mother was in a car accident recently and, while not hurt, had to wait more than an hour before someone arrived to help her (in response to her phone call, apparently). This led the hot chick to say:

"People don't seem to do stuff like this any more. Why is that?"

Which led me to say:

"Because they voted for Obama twice. They're still waiting for the government to do it for them."

She laughed and agreed. And that's why I posted about this. Think we're not being nudged into a culture of dependency? Check out how many people are on food stamps. No, I won't provide a link. Do it yourself. You shouldn't depend on me -- or the government -- to do it for you, no matter what "it" is. Pull over and help the person, and quit assuming the government will or even should help that person instead of you doing it. It's a Nike moment, people. Just. Do. It.