Haikus and heavy gunfire

My project blew up today, just in time for me to start a new project Wednesday. Way more money, and, really, that's the only metric that counts in judging the worthiness of temp projects. Other than the money, they are all the same. The work will suck, working conditions will suck, treatment of the temps will suck. But for this coming project, at least, the money won't suck. What else is there? Funny you should ask -- haikus, that's what:

Left shitty project
Are greener pastures ahead?
Yeah, probably not.

Rewarding work now?
You're fucking kidding, aren't you?
Yeah, that's what I thought.

So tomorrow, without work to interfere, I will go to the shooting range and blow up some targets.

Back in the saddle, but on a shitty horse

As many people have noticed -- particularly the contract attorneys in the audience -- I don't write much any more about life in Temp Town. There are reasons for this. First, of course, is that Temp Town -- life as a contract attorney, working on a temporary basis -- really isn't very interesting most of the time. Sometimes, though, we stumble upon a project that just overflows with good blog copy, such as the project that launched this blog. Those projects, though, are rare.

We do, however, often come across projects that remind us why it sucks to be a temp. I started just such a project on Tuesday. Did I mention that I was unemployed for three weeks before starting this project? It is the only explanation for why I am on this project. The market is dead.

It is worth noting that I have never worked for this agency before because it always lowballs on the pay  rate, hitting about 20 percent below the going rate. Had I not been unemployed, with the market quiet, I doubt I would have applied for this project. I usually don't even apply for this agency's projects because of the low pay. On top of that, they rarely offer overtime. Even at a good rate, it is hard to make a living in Temp Town without working overtime, at least in D.C. So this is my first experience with this agency.

And it sucks. I know, I say that a lot about temp projects. That's because it's true. But in this case, even relative to other suck-ass Temp Town projects, working for this agency sucks. Just start with the terms of employment. If working for dramatically less than at other projects isn't bad enough for you, add in that the terms of employment with this agency state that if you don't work for at least five days on a project (in other words, if you jump to a better project in the first week), all hours worked will be paid not at the shitty rate you signed up for, but at a rate less than half that. Suck on that for a minute.

So they put us in a room that holds 40 temps, and they call it a "pod." There are other pods, of course, that hold fewer. Nothing unusual here, and really nothing unusual about the terminology, either. Temp agencies in recent years have taken a liking to calling work groups "pods." No one at these agencies, apparently, has ever seen "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Trust me, "pod" is not an endearing term.

To ensure that things suck, though, the agency inserts at random intervals throughout the room what the agency calls "assistant team leaders." We call them "stool pigeons." The first result of this, of course, is that the room sounds like a funeral home. No one talks to anyone.

Worse, though, there are 9,347 rules you are supposed to follow during a project that are utterly unrelated to the quality of your work, including, for instance, eating food that results in crumbs while at your desk.d I suppose that paying for daily vacuuming would cut too deeply into the profits generated by the shit-ass pay they're giving us. Anyway, violations of these rules can, and will, get you fired. The stool pigeons are there to ensure that no one gets away with violating these rules. We already have a number of empty seats. I don't know if they are empty because people got fired, or because people moved to greener pastures and decided it was worth taking the pay hit. Both explanations are plausible.

Fortunately, my next employment prospect doesn't start until after I will have worked five days for this agency. I consider that the bright spot of this project at this point.

Is it possible for this gig to suck more than it does?

Actually, yeah, there is. Granted, the rate is not great, but it is higher than some other awful projects I've seen advertised lately. Plus, it has good overtime, which is hard to come by these days. So I can live with those aspects of it.

There are a couple things, though, that make me wonder whether the folks at the agency are sadists. First, no internet access at your desk, and only two internet terminals on my floor, to serve about 50 people. Not a great way to stay in touch with the planet. Second, no phones in the review room. We are given lockers. Caught with a phone in the review room? Fired. Also, no personal possessions other than music players in the review room. Put that shit in the locker. The agency folks claim this is all on the firm, but I don't buy that shit. Either way, neither the agency nor the firm employees would put up with rules like that for a skinny minute. No personal shit in your office? No phone? Instant rebellion. It's amazing what temps will put up with because they have to. I, of course, keep my phone in my pocket, on mute. Fuck them.

Do they think they can staff this?

An agency I have worked for a lot just posted a project on The Posse List that strikes me as, well, problematic when it comes to actually finding people willing to take it:

[An agency I have worked for] is currently seeking barred attorneys active and in good standing in any US jurisdiction for a short 3-4 day review slated to start as early as tomorrow and last through the weekend.
The rate is $30/hr and will be held at our DC review center.
For all interested attorneys submit your resume to [the recruiting email address for the agency] for consideration.

I guess unemployed temps will take anything, so they probably can staff it. The rate sucks, and the duration sucks, but both beat unemployment. Taking a project like this means you run the risk of missing out on a better project that starts right after, but I guess most folks would just jump to the better project without worrying about burning the bridge. Ultimately, I guess, they'll be able to staff it. Just highlights what a shitty way this is to make a living.

Yeah, they'll probably be able to staff this shitty project

This might be the worst project I've ever seen. My oldest son makes more working security at Fort Detrick. This is seriously fucked up:

[An agency I have worked for] is looking for law school graduates (J.D.s) and paralegals with a minimum of 3 years of legal experience to start a project next week.
Need all Word version resume submissions by 5:00pm Friday 6/6/2014, the latest.
The ideal candidate will be a Juris Doctor graduate or a paralegal with 3 years of legal experience.
Legal experience may include legal internships, document review, student clinic, law clerkships, law firm, temporary, full-time, etc., type work.
Experience reviewing contracts/agreements is a plus.
Pay rate is $18/hr. 40 hours a week.
Duration: 6-8 weeks.
Location: Downtown D.C. (next to Metro Center metro stop.). On-site work only.
First group will be starting Monday 6/9/2014.
MUST have good computer skills and good Microsoft Excel skills to do this work.
If interested, qualified, and available, please reply to the link below with a Word version resume (please, no phone calls at this time):

I have seen JD-only projects as low as $22/hour for folks with no DC bar membership. This takes the cake. The odd thing, to me, is that right now the market is hopping. I got half a dozen emails just today about new projects. Things are unusually busy at the moment, especially in the context of the last five or six years. Not sure why. But it's busy, and it seems like this agency should have trouble staffing such a shitty project. Alas, I don't think they will. Too many desperate temps out there.

What kind of response do they expect?

On Wednesday, some agency put an ad up on The Posse List for a project starting sometime next week. Naturally, they wanted particular expertise and a DC Bar membership. Other aspects of the ad make this particularly attractive:

DC barred contract attorney(s) needed for research project in the aerospace industry, IP attorneys with engineering/technical background preferred.
Details:
*Must be DC barred
*In DC near metro
*Phone interview required
*One week or less in duration
*No OT expected
*Starts mid next week
*Pay rate depends on experience, will be competitive
Please send resumes to [an agency I don't think I've ever worked for] for consideration.

Seriously, less than a week with no OT, and you want me to have IP/engineering experience and go through a phone interview? I know the market is bad, but this kind of thing is ludicrous. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon. They'll get someone who has experience in the aerospace industry (having flown on airplanes numerous times) and doesn't mind a short project with no OT (because he hasn't worked in weeks, so this beats nothing). I'm sure the cream of the crop will be beating down their door.