OK, I apologize to the sport of soccer

I know, I know, I shouldn't. Never back down, never give in, right? Well, when I called soccer the most boring sport in the world, I was wrong. Sure, it's pretty stupid, they have no idea how long they're going to play, they break ties by playing a completely different game and they never fucking score, just run up and down the field for days on end, it seems. But it is not the most boring sport in the world.

I walked into the kitchen here at work a few minutes ago, and on the TV at that moment was the new Official World's Most Boring Sport. That's right, there on the screen in all its full-color, big-screen, HD glory was the Tour de France. For a couple minutes, until I came to my senses, I watched a bunch of dudes in a huge bunch cycling through the French countryside -- from behind. Not from the front. Behind. No panning the camera across the beautiful French countryside. Just a bunch of butts. I hear that sometimes they show them from the side, and sometimes from the front, too. Great. Bunch of fucking guys out for a bike ride. Again, sorry, soccer -- boring as you are, the Tour de France (and I assume all those Tour de Wherever bike races) is worse.

Proof that people who follow soccer have a tenuous grip on reality

There are people at work who actually give a shit about what happens in the soccer World Cup. I'm not talking about the wannabees. The room where the internet terminals are also has a widescreen TV, tuned to maybe ESPN, something showing soccer, Wimbledon and the Tour de France, which apparently spent three days as the Tour de England. But I digress. When the game between Argentina and the Netherlands came down to penalty kicks -- why play for two fucking hours and then settle the matter by playing a different game? -- a bunch of people crowded into the internet room to watch. One woman, whose aquaintance I have avoided with great vigor, said of the crowd, "Hey, after all, it only happens every, how many years?" I closed out my online stuff, said to her, "Big fan, huh?" and left the room. Presumably, somebody won the game after I left.

Anyway, dipshit non-fans who hope to appear to be fans and, thus, be hip are not the point of this. I was in the kitchen before the game and overheard a temp on the phone say something along these lines"

Soccer-loving Temp: I presume you're going to watch the game? Well, when they pan the beach -- you know, Copacabana -- which I know they will do repeatedly, keep an eye out for Tomas. He's there and will be on the beach."

Yeah, Tomas and about a gazillion other people, right? He should be easy to spot. Does watching soccer rot your brain?

Sorry, just can't get into soccer

Yeah, I know the USA is playing Germany in the World Cup as I write this. I'll root for the US, but my interest level is low. Very low. It's an effed up game. How can you tell? The clock runs backwards. Instead of starting with how much time there is to play and counting down to zero, so you always know how much time is left, in soccer the clock starts at zero and counts off how long they've been playing. Why would you do that? Because they have no damn idea how long they're going to play. Stoppage time, injury time, added time, whatever else the ref decides to throw in, apparently. It's effed up.