Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It's a hard knock life

OK, not a lot of "Annie" fans out there -- I love show tunes! -- but it remains true. Searching for material for this blog is no easy task, as I am generally the funniest motherfucker out there, and I keep forgetting to write down shit I say.  Damn it. Anyway, on this project, it isn't even an issue as to whether I am the funniest motherfucker on the project. I am the only damn one willing to speak! The guy from the firm (he's not an associate with the law firm -- it's complicated and not worth explaining, but he's the guy from the firm) has somehow managed to position himself in the room so that he is not only in the room with us, he is looking over many of our shoulders (discouraging theoretically permitted interwebs use). Conversation killer much? So pretty much everybody just puts on headphones and cruises. Silence of the tomb, people. Could this guy get hit by a bus or something?

Monday, April 23, 2012

You're kidding, right?

I have long since lost count of the number of times I have heard a contract attorney say something along the lines of "I think they should make a movie (write a book, do a TV series, whatever) about contract attorneys." First of all, I am not sure who "they" are, but I am pretty sure that "they" have no desire to waste perfectly good money, which is why "they" have not yet (and will never) made a movie (book, TV series, whatever) about contract attorneys. Contract attornyes are seriously fucking boring. I haven't posted in a week. Do you really think this is because contract attorneys are a laugh a minute? Fuck me. Yes, this project is a black hole, but it is not all that unusual in being really fucking dull, with little conversation at all,  much less interesting conversation.  I look around and wonder why anyone, ever, would think for one FUCKING second that a movie (TV series, book, whatever) about contract attorneys would be a good idea. There are plenty of sleep aids on the market.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Doing better in Latin America than Obama

OK, so Barry called the Falklands the Maldives, apparently thinking he was calling them the Malvinas in an attempt to mollify Argentina without actually supporting their claim. The result, of course, was that Argentina walked out of the Summit of the Americas conference. Could have happened to anybody. Except me, of course, as I do not have relationship problems with our southern brethren. Ecuador and El Salvador have now joined the Eff You family. Welcome, amigos. Mi casa es su casa.

Yes, this is what it has come to

The topic was so important, it was the subject of several announcements late last week and at the beginning of this week. I guess you could call it an existential threat. That's right -- the agency was having problems with its coffee vendor and there was no free coffee. For contract attorneys, this, apparently, is the end of the world. The agency folks in charge of the site made repeated announcements about how they realized that caffiene was important to our work and they were working on the problem. They assured us that a new coffee vendor was on the way and all would soon be well.

Of course, this crisis failed to move me for several reasons. First, I don't drink coffee, so I could give two shits whether there is free coffee available. Second, as a soft drink consumer in an induystry that routinely provides free coffee but not free soft drinks, I have long since become accustomed to obtaining my own soft drinks. Which brings me to the point here: I was looking around, listening to the agency folks anxiously explain that free coffee was on the way, and hearing temps complain that there was no free coffee available right now, and  I could not contain myself. As a guy who brings or buys his own sodas, I had to say it.

"There's a Caribou Coffee across the street. Buy your own fucking coffee."

Self help, apparently, is not a big theme with contract attorneys.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Nobody ever fucking believes me

OK, we're not taling identical here, but the chords are all there. I still say "Rock you like nobody in the dark" is going to be a big hit.

Not sure why this one won't post as a link, but cut and paste, people.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Seriously, this one sucks

So, we started the new project today (the one I was sure didn't exist) and I now almost wich it actually didn't exist, because it really sucks. We are capped at 40 hours, we have a bad hourly rate, and we have to work five days. Basically, the schedule as laid out means we can work enough hours Monday through Thursday so that you only need to work two hours on Friday to get your  40. Hey, no problem, work less during the other four days to make it worth coming in on Friday, you say. To which I reply, which one of your parents suffered severebrain damage and passed it along to you? You enter every week not knowing whether hours will be added, which means you always work every hour available in hopes that on Thursday afternoon the firm will announce overtime availability and you will be poised to maximize on it. What, are you stupid? Down side, of course, is if no hours are added and you incur five days of commuting costs to work two hours on Fridays. Sucks to be me.

Seriously, am I supposed to remember this?

OK, has Austria visited before? I don't think so, but who the hell knows? Also, is it kind of weird that Latvia is No. 3 on the visitors list this week? They're only one behind the UK. Maybe I should stop collecting countries. But it's so much fun!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I come from a land Down Uner

Yeah, nothing like a Men At Work reference to welcome my first Australian! Also got somebody from Spain for the first time. Gimme some Portugal and I have the entire Iberian Peninsula. Woo-hoo! Anyway, welcome, assuming you are not search engines on the hunt for the elusive pron.

I'm pretty sure I would not have let them live

A veteran contract attorney friend of mine texted me today about a new project she is on. Unfortunately for her, she is teamed up with a bunch of recent additions to the fold. Most new contract attorneys have not read this and so do not realize that they are fungible goods. They clearly have not made an honest analysis of the future of the profession, at least in the major urban centers, and so do not fully comprehend what they have gotten themselves into. Without further comment, I present my friend's text messages (identified as J), edited so that my replies are unnecessary, except in those instances where I consider my replies pretty fucking funny:

J: These kids are dangerously deluded.

Me: They think they're lawyers?

J: They still think that their JD's are worth something.

Me: That's crazy talk!

J: And they talk about starting their own firms.

J: One asked me, "How long did it take you to become bitter?"

Me: How long did it take him to become stupid?

J: Honestly, I liked this at first, but it's too awful anymore.

I guess they weren't lying

Starting a new gig tomorrow with the same firm and agency as the lastone, and even the same client, as promised. Always refreshing to be told the truth. As Elvis Costello once said, I don't expect this will last. (The truth-telling, that is. Of course the gig won't last.)

Monday, April 9, 2012

And no, I'm not working

Towards the end of the last gig, the agency kept telling us that the firm we were working for wanted to roll us onto a project for the same client that would start as soon as our current project ended. Naturally, as we got closer to the actual end of the project, the projected start date of the other project kept moving. It went from today to tomorrow, and now that the project we were on is over, it is theoretically Wednesday. I'll believe it when I see it, but remember Rule Number 1: They're lying.

Yeah, that gig ended

So, we worked about 4 hours Friday and then admitted that we actually had nothing more to do, so that project is dead and gone. Won't miss it, I guess. Not a great project, or a terrible one. Seriously, I think they are all pretty much the same. When I hear people talk about a "great project," they usually mean that they were getting 90 hours a week, making a buttload of money and no, they couldn't remember what the hell the project was about. So I guess this wasn't a great project. On the other hand, I still can't remember what it was about. Got to fill out that conflicts form quickly, before the details fade away.

Welcome to the club!

Apparently, New Zealand has search engines, as well, looking for the pron. Welcome to the blog - not sure how you got here, especially since I've taken several days off, but welcome.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Actual conversation with management

The project manager made an announcement today that tomorrow would be the last day of this project. She laid out the things we'll have to do tomorrow, and this exchange ensued:

PM: Anyway, it turns out the firm wants to go ahead and put all the metadata back on the log, but that's not anything you'll need to worry about.

Temp: Do they realize how much money it cost them to have it taken out in the first place.

PM: I guess not, but that's OK, it's not our money.

Temp: It is now!

Premature pizza

As it turns out, the Pizza of Doom only spelled doom for half the crew. The rest of us were brought back to do a clean-up project. Looks like that is coming to an end tomorrow. And this time we won't even get the Pizza of Doom.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Damn, y'all

I got the Sudan. Sudan! Freaking terrorists checking out my blog. OK, maybe they're pirates. Still, Sudan! Very exciting. Also, March was a pretty good month. Coming up on the one-year anniversary. I mean, it's not tomorrow or anything, but it is in the reasonably near future. I'm not registered or anything, but you could hit the tip jar as an anniversary present. Just sayin'.