Unemployment haikus number whatever

Yeah, I lost count. Surprised?

I'm sitting at home
Freelance writing and drinking
Which do I like more?

Freelancing pays cash
Drinking makes me forget that
I don't have any.

OK, so I wrote two.

Another unemployment haiku

Yeah, the complete lack of work out there is a little depressing. But I am not depressed. I endeavor persevere.



Declaring war on the Union sounds good right about now, but I think I'll just write a haiku instead:

Jobless benefits
Came through on a debit card
That I don't have yet.

Yeah, life's a bitch sometimes.

At last, I triumph over the machine

My job -- the glorious, high-paying job that has kept me away from the blog for so long -- ended last week. A week ago today, in fact. This morning, finally, seven days after the end of that job, seven days of trying by phone and online to file for unemployment, I finally succeeded. One of the guys who was on the gig with me finally got through yesterday by staying on hold for four hours. Seemed like a bit too much for me, since the jammed phone lines kept making my call drop after about 15 minutes. So I devised a strategy. I called before the office opened, spent about 10 minutes punching numbers in response to their before-we-transfer-you-to-a-representative questions, by which time they were open, and I instantly got a representative, who quickly took most of the same information I had just entered and BOOM! My claim was filed. I have not patented or trademarked this method. Feel free to use it yourself if you are trying to get through to the overwhelmed D.C. unemployment office. No need to thank me.

This reminds me of a haiku I never wrote. It goes like this:

Unemployment claim
Can't get through jammed lines, website
But still triumphant.

Or maybe like this:

Corona virus
Can't stop me from filing my
Unemployment claim.

Another unemployment haiku (or two)

Yeah, my project ended on Monday. I have lots of prospects for next week, but we'll see how those turn out. In the meantime, I have these:

Project has ended
Leaving me without income
Could get challenging.

Mortgage holder says
Joblessness not our problem
Pay up soon, fuckwad.

Market seems OK
Apparently jobs out there
Still, I don't have one.

Seriously, I could do this all day.

While we're riding the haiku train . . .

. . . how about an unemployment haiku?

Five weeks out of work
Finally got a new gig
Probably won't last.

Started a new gig Tuesday after striking out on I lost count of how many jobs. Might last three weeks, maybe longer. The job I had lined up to start five weeks ago, after being postponed repeatedly for a week at a time, got postponed again to "maybe sometime before you die." Or maybe not. We'll see how this goes.

Yeah, it's another unemployment haiku

Submitted for a project at an agency I've never worked for. I don't know why, but agencies always want you to interview first. They aren't very discriminating -- anyone who has read this blog for very long knows that complete freaks get hired routinely -- but I guess they want to make sure you actually have a pulse:

Got an interview.
It's see lightning, hear thunder
But a job's a job.

So maybe I'll be back to work soon.

Sweet baby Jesus, another unemployment haiku

Yeah, I've been out of work for seven of the last nine weeks. Mostly, there haven't been any jobs. Got two, both short, but lately there have been projects and I haven't been selected. It sucks. Of course, that combined with my trip to Florida last week to see my father, Major Wolves (along with Cpl. Wolves and Married Into Wolves) gives us another unemployment haiku:

Went to Florida
Weather was good, beach was nice
Came home to no job.

Yeah, not perfect. Lately, there has been more project activity, but I still haven't landed one. Liquor store owners should be getting nervous.

Yeah, guess I have to write another unemployment haiku

Something like this, I suppose:

Unemployed again.
Why does this keep happening?
Stupid industry.

Another unemployment haiku

A one-day project
Makes me really feel like shit
Is this all there is?

Yet another unemployment haiku

Since about mid-February, I have had no luck at all with projects. One after another, they plotz after a week or two. It's part of the business, which is part of what makes this a shitty way to make a living, but that's a conversation for another day. Right now, I just had yet another project  implode on Friday. Naturally, this makes me feel poetic:

Another gig ends
I don't want to blaspheme but
Jesus fucking Christ

Lots of projects but
No offers forthcoming yet
Fuck me with a rock

I realize haiku traditionally celebrates harmony with nature and all that good shit. Fuck it.

Another unemployment haiku

Might not have mentioned
Unemployment really sucks.
No, I mean, really.

Unemployment haiku

Yeah, still out of work, which means it is time for an unemployment haiku:

I'm still out of work
No sign of relief in sight
Sucks bad to be me

This is getting ridiculous

Another unemployment haiku:

I keep applying
They keep denying me work
How bad does this suck?

Unemployment haikus, because I can

Sitting home, I weep.
Wonder when I'll work again,
And who'll pay my bills.

Keep on applying
For a bunch of shitty jobs
I don't want but need.

Liquor stores beckon.
High risk, low reward, but then
Is jail all that bad?

More unemployment haikus

Yeah, the gig ended Friday. Not feeling too scrappy about that. In fact, I am getting in touch with my dark muse:

Sitting at home just
Thinking about going to
Rob some liquor stores.

Lots of resumes
Scattered hither and thither
No fucking results.

Should have listened to
my mom and gotten a job
with a carnival.

Such a strange business

Things turn around quickly. This morning, I was loading the pistol to go rob liquor stores. Tonight, I have a job starting tomorrow. It makes no sense, but that's the way it is. I also have some food porn from tonight's dinner, and farm porn from today where I went and did a bunch of stuff, but that will have to wait. As it is, maybe a haiku

Got a fucking job
Supposed to be one, two months
Nice margin of error

Really, if your estimate has a 100 percent margin of error, should you bother? I don't know. Still, might be a good project.

Lots of overtime.
At least that's what they tell me.
I guess we'll find out.

You realize, of course, that they're lying.  I guess we'll find out what they're lying about.

Unemployment haiku number whatever

Gonna get me some

Just filed unemployment claim

Don't really want it.

Another unemployment haiku

In honor of the day, this one has a religious theme. Sort of:

Is it time to rob
my first liquor store today?
Nah. Easter Sunday.

Happy Easter, y'all.

Another unemployment haiku

Yeah, what the hell. Here you go:

No job offer yet
Want to fucking kill someone
Guess I can't do that.

Can I?

Unemployment haikus

I was trying to compose a few haikus in my head while I was walking Jeb the Wonder Dog last night. The problem with this, of course, is that my head is quite sieve-like, and haikus composed do not equate to haikus that I will remember when I am finally able to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be. In any event, here are a couple unemployment haikus:

Unemployed again
Desperately seeking work
Really don't like this

Project has ended
No rollover for me yet
Rule No. 1 strikes?

We are told that we are being rolled over to a pretty good project, but there is a timing issue -- they're waiting for partner approval. Could happen today, tomorrow, a month from now. We'll see, I guess.