Because I'm feeling all celebrity-newsy, y'all, that's why

There is much talk on the interwebs about Jennifer Lawrence -- a very nice-looking young lady who acts in popular movies, I'm told -- apartment-hunting in New York City recently in some pretty impressively short Daisy Dukes. I am a big fan of impressively short Daisy Dukes, provided the wearer has the legs to justify said impressively short Daisy Dukes -- Jennifer Lawrence does, and here's proof:

Imagine my surprise to find that at least one of those reports was about how hot the young actress's bodyguard is. Because the Yahoo! report was compiling comments, tweets, etc. from elsewhere, I can only assume that the interwebs are alive with the sounds of this dude's hotness. In the interests of attracting female readers, I provide the pictures found with the Yahoo! post on the matter:

OK, you get the picture, so to speak. I am willing to accept that the dude is good-looking. But if he's a bodyguard, Jen needs to call me, because she's at risk. What do we notice that all of these pictures have in common, besides the hot dude serving as Jen's "bodyguard"?

Yeah, that's right, good-looking fuckchops has something in his hands in every single picture, and something in each hand in at least one. If I needed a bodyguard -- I don't, but people around me should consider one -- that motherfucker better have nothing in his hands but the intrinsic lethality for which I hired him. Do you really think that dude is going to drop Jennifer's "beloved dog Pippi" just because he suspects trouble? Oh, hell no. The chick is a movie star -- harmless people approach her all the time. But with that fucking dog in one hand and a bag in the other, he better hope they're all harmless.

Face it. He's a personal assistant. And probably gay. He ain't no bodyguard.