Too late for me, but maybe you can ride this train to success

You see all kinds of weird stuff when you're reviewing a company's documents. Not as much as you used to, of course, when computerized subject-matter filters didn't exist. Used to be the client just dumped every document into the database for review, and temps looked at all of them. Got lots of porn, emails about intra-office affairs, stuff like that. Nothing to do with the case, of course, but it kept things lively. Now, the law firms are able to run searches for key words and only review those documents. Of course, the searches still usually have to be pretty broad, so there's a lot of junk still gathered up because it happens to include one of the search terms somewhere in the document, but you almost never get an email these days with the subject line, "Anna Kournikova naked." Sad, I know, but true. (Yes, I worked a case like that once, and it wasn't actually her -- it was her head skillfully photoshopped onto someone else's body who was, herself, gettin' it done. But I digress.)

These days, alas, the documents might not have much to do with the case, but they generally have something to do with the business in which the client company engages. This makes our job extraordinarily boring, by and large, because the documents have to be actually looked at, and they do not include pictures of Anna Kournikova naked. Or anybody else naked, for that matter.

But they do include a lot of the inanities that drive American corporate culture these days. The business-speak, the buzzwords coming down from HR about "empowerment" and shit like that. The other day I came across a couple phrases that I decided were the key to becoming the CEO of a major corporation. If you could say these phrases with a straight face, you were headed for the stars. Only one temp I have put to this test has passed so far. Frankly, I think this actually speaks well of temps, as it indicates a cynicism that is unable to take seriously the utter horseshit that makes up such a significant part of politically correct corporate culture these days.

The phrases? "Teamwork makes the dream work," and "Excel in the search for excellence." Try it in front of a mirror. If you can say these with a straight face, the Fortune 500 wants you.