I guess, ultimately, this is what contract attorneys do, and this is why they are contract attorneys. I don't mean all of them -- have you been reading this blog? -- I mean just enough of them to paint all of us with the same brush. I think maybe it used to be pretty damn close to a majority, but these days, with the big firms laying off people left and right, there are more professionally and socially accomplished contract attorneys these days. Not to say that all big firm associates are professionally and socially accomplished, but that is a different blog entry.
In any event, today probably was the last day of the project. Certainly it was the last day for most folks, since they at least told us that (the whole "probably" thing will be the subject of an upcoming post. Show a little fucking patience for once.) Anyway, it's a good damn thing we're done, because the old school contract attorneys among us (read that: the socially inept, totally self-absorbed, unable-to-relate-to-the-world types) have well and truly screwed us. We are (were) working in a space rented out by one of those companies that lets you pretend you have an actual office - they give you furniture, an office and a receptionist so it at least looks like you are a professional. Under the circumstances, not going to help us look like anything but what we are.
In part of their effort to help people look professional, the host company stocks the kitchen with actual china plates, glasses, mugs, metal tableware -- the whole works. So what do contract attorneys, used to paper plates, paper cups and plastic tableware, do? Fucking A -- they pile the damn kitchen sink with dirty dishes. Like they were still in college and knew that someone would cave in and wash the dishes -- or, more likely, like they were still living in their parents' basement (fuck, half of them probably sitll are) and knew that their parents would wash the dishes for them. One person -- ONE! -- went and washed the dishes, because she was on a project at the same office provider who banned the CAs from the kitchen because they couldn't act like humans. Apparently, there is good coffee available in the kitchen for free, and she did not want to be banned.
Needless to say, the CAs efforts to get thrown out did not stop there. The bathrooms are outside the office space. Because this is Washington, DC, if a bathroom is not locked but is a mere elevator ride away from the street, homeless people will use it. Trust me, you don't want that. So the bathrooms require a key. Apparently, this is too complicated for some contract attorneys.
Each room was given three keys to each restroom. For the women, all three were always there unless someone was in the john. For the men, we had to constantly harangue people to take the key from their pocket and put it back on the table so that there would be at least one key available for the person in need. CAs aren't good at sharing, and they really aren't good at inconveniencing themselves, so if no one in a room is willing to bully people into putting keys back, eventually there are no keys. They all are in the pockets of people who don't want to check for a key.
I bully people, so our room always had all its keys available. Naturally, this meant people from other rooms would come looking for a key. We, of course, would threaten them with death if they touched our keys. So if you are a socially crippled, totally self-absorbed contract attorney and there is no key available to go to the bathroom because other socially crippled, totally self-absorbed contract attorneys have kept the keys, what are you to do?
You jam the door latch with tissue, of course, so the door can't latch closed. Who wouldn't, right? Kind of like the Watergate burglars putting duct tape over the latch so the door wouldn't stay closed. So anybody who doesn't get fired tonight as the project cuts down to the bare minimum will be running the risk of getting thrown out because the leasing company is not amused by the door-jamming trick.
What is wrong with you people? Every damn time somebody accuses me of being too hard on contract attorneys, somebody does something even worse than I normally expect. I don't know what to say. Maybe we deserve to live in TempTown.
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