Editor's note: I wrote a post about this, then asked Cpl. Wolves to edit and add to as he saw fit. It is, after all, his story. The following post contains virtually no content from me; this is all Cpl. Wolves, who I hope will write humor for a living. If he allows me to do so, I plan to link to his other writings on the web. He is fucking hilarious.
After his most recent drill weekend, Cpl. Wolves came home with what might be the funniest SNAFU story ever. Apparently, a sergeant in the Motor Transport section was the recipient of a text from one of his Marines, purportedly containing an alert from CNN about an ISIS bomb threat that was shutting down streets all over northern Virginia. It contained a link that supposedly led to a CNN-produced map of the streets closed. It goes without saying that this is big news, and our beloved sergeant did what any dutiful non-commissioned officer would do: he forwarded the text to the unit's First Sergeant and broke several traffic laws of middling importance to get home and prepare his family for the apocalypse. As you do.
What he did not do was check the link.
The First Sergeant -- the senior enlisted man in the detachment -- decided that, yeah, a bomb threat was probably pretty important, and, yeah, the Colonel should probably be notified. I mean, how awkward would it be if the Commanding Officer had to find out about a national security situation from the nightly news while his First Sergeant kept his mouth shut?
Heck, now that you mention it, better send that link to everyone. Forewarned is forearmed, after all, and we're Marines, goddamn it. Nobody catches us with our pants down, especially not a bunch of goat-fucking terrorists who think indoor plumbing is black magic direct from the devil. So he typed up an email. Two hundred and fifty names including two full bird colonels. But if you're going to send an email to everyone in the unit, including a link to a news site, it's probably a good idea to find out specifically what the report says. So, he moved his mouse away from that "send" button. Just for a moment.
First Sergeant did check the link. First Sergeant has seen a great many things over his long career. First Sergeant has seen a great many things he would like to forget.
But you cannot unsee what has been seen.
You have been warned, and should follow the NSFW link at your peril.