Oh dear God, the Doughnuts of Doom!

Folks from the agency came by Wednesday, bringing doughnuts. They were, at least for one person, the Doughnuts of Doom.

We had received emails from the firm letting us know that  we needed to move through the documents faster, The folks from the agency came by and reiterated that message, but with doughnuts. Of course, the doughnuts were from Dunkin' Donuts, not Krispy Kreme, so they were Yankee crap, but I ate some anyway. Hey, they were free. Isn't that what Temp Town is all about -- free food?

So, yeah, one of the guys on the project got canned for being too slow. As you might imagine, everybody else picked up the pace.

Birthday party

Naturally, Minnesota Wolves didn't just decide to come to Maryland from Minnesota for no particular reason. He came for his 22nd birthday. Naturally, we held a birthday party at Chez Wolves. A number of family friends came over, and a good time was had by all. The highlight, though, was when the birthday boy cut the cake. Instead of just making the first slice, he went all in. As they say, hilarity ensued. The birthday boy was relaxed:

Then he was asked to cut the cake:

 Instead of simply making the first slice and deferring to more experienced cake-cutters, he kept going:

Things got ugly:

Really ugly:

Several more experienced people there -- his mother, his sister-in-law -- tried to salvage the cutting job, to no avail:

No, really:

So we just ate it:

The cake looked like the victim of a shark attack:

Fortunately, it tasted great, and everyone enjoyed it. Later, we burned a lot of wood and didn't really care what the cake looked like:

Life was good.

A.J. Hawk retires as a Packer

I think that's a good thing. Sure, he played for a couple other teams late in his career, but he put in nine solid years as a starter for the Pack after we took him fifth overall in 2006. Not great in pass coverage, but a solid player in the middle otherwise and a sure tackle -- he ranks first in franchise history with 1,118 tackles.

I guess he signed a one-day contract with Green Bay so he could retire as a Packer after playing for the Bengals and the Falcons the last two years. Not uncommon. I'm just glad he wanted to go out a Packer.

Thanks, A.J. Enjoy retirement, and never fail to knock that Super Bowl ring on the table at Thanksgiving, so your brother-in-law, Brady Quinn, can cuss under his breath.

Anonymity ain't what it used to be

Four or five of the other people on my new project -- and there are only ten of us -- were on the project I was last on. Naturally, there has been some discussion of the batshit people who were on that project. I wound up not posting much about that project because a person on the project was trying to get me fired because of the blog. Even after that threat ebbed -- for some reason, the person decided I was OK -- I didn't post much because I wasn't sure what the agency had been told. Also, I was as busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest, working 70 hours a week or more.

Anyway, during the discussion of some of the people on that project, I mentioned that someone on the gig tried to get me fired. Naturally, someone asked why, and I said, "Well, I do this blog . . . "

Immediately, in unison, four people said, "That's you?"

So, yeah, I guess I'll be coming out soon. Any reader can figure out who I am, and -- as my European correspondent has pointed out -- where I live. That might not be a great situation, considering how often I publish Charlie Hebdo cartoons to taunt Islamist nutbags, but I guess that's where I am. So look for a coming-out party soon.

For those of you not initiated, these are Charlie Hebdo cartoons:

Islamists hate them and issue death threats against people who publish them, since they believe it is heresy to publish an image of Muhammed. Fortunately, I am not a Muslim and am not committing heresy. So far, no Islamists have noticed I keep publishing the cartoons, I guess. I don't much care if they do. Just don't come to kill me during the NFL draft Thursday. That would really piss me off.

First-World problems, Temp Town Style

Naturally, I am talking about smart phones and how they provide people to waste time on something other than their job (or whatever) every minute of every day. I have collected a few actual emails from my last project to illustrate just how inane project managers are about these sorts of things. Having already been fired (that's how every temp project ends, after all) I no longer need to worry about being fired for putting this stuff out there. Never being hired again by that agency -- well, different question. I'll chance it.

As a reminder, every time one of these emails gets sent, it means that someone complained about a particular behavior or that the project managers witnessed a particular behavior and didn't have the nuts to confront the actual guilty party and so burdened everyone on the project with the complaint, even if almost no one else is guilty of the particular offense. But that's the way Temp Town works -- we all suffer under the expectations of the lowest common denominator. And those expectations can get pretty low:

We would like to take a moment to remind you to limit your use of your phones while you are in the review rooms. It’s ok if you want to check your email every once in a while, but we have seen this practice flower out of control from time to time. Unfortunately it has not been unusual to see a significant number of people room to room looking at their phones at any given moment. Not only does spending an inordinate amount of time looking at your phone take away from your ability to review documents, it also gives off a negative impression to anyone that walks through the rooms. So, again, please limit the amount of time you are looking at your phones during the course of the day, and, as always, do not take any phone calls while you are sitting at your desks. We know that everyone is putting in long hours on this project and working hard to get through the documents. We want to make sure that we are doing everything we can to reflect that fact to the client.

Translation: Yeah, you're working 60-80 hours a week, shut the fuck up about trying to keep track of your life outside of work, mmm-kay? Naturally, these warnings never come just once:

Apologies that this is going to everyone since it doesn’t apply to most. We’ve sent around enough gentle reminders with regard to cell phone use and are now past that point. Ringers should always be off and the phone on vibrate. Dings from texts, email and calls are both distracting and discourteous. If you are going to take a call then leave the review room. I don’t care if it will be a 15 second call. Further, try to answer the call outside of the room. Should you not have time to do so, simply say “hold on” to the person on the other end of the line then pick up the conversation outside the review room.
No more warnings will be given and failure to adhere to the simple rules listed above will result in your removal from the review.

Big surprise, no one got fired for cell phone misuse. If the agency fires someone, that person's butt is no longer in the bleachers and the agency no longer gets paid for that person's time on the job, regardless of how worthless that time might be. As far as an agency is concerned, a person who does shitty work for 70 hours a week but manages to not get fired by the firm running the project is worth far more than a person who works 40 hours a week who does perfect work and the law firm loves. Follow the money, people.

Sick in Temp Town

Started a new project today, as I mentioned previously, and right away one of the hot-button topics of Temp Town came up. One of the women sitting near me is sneezing and blowing her nose constantly, yet saying she is not sick -- it's "just a runny nose." Her friend, sitting next to her, keeps saying that when she is sick, she stays home so she won't get other people sick. This is the age-old Temp Town argument -- stay home and lose money, or go to work, make the money, and maybe make other people sick.

Most temps opt for the money. I don't view it like that, and after listening to these two women for a while, plus another temp or two who chimed in, I gave what I view as the final pronouncement, which took a totally different approach:

"So I'm supposed to stay home when I'm sick and let my family get sick? But I actually like them. I'm going to go to work and get a bunch of strangers sick instead."

The truth hurts, baby.

Another swordfish takes the hook

I seem to have hooked another swordfish. I guess we'll see how long this one lasts. Started a new project today. Not supposed to last that long -- two or three weeks -- but it actually has prospects of going longer. It is litigation, which is unpredictable. It could be this for a long time:

                                   

Or it could be this next week:

Never can tell.

It can't be all work and no play, after all

Minnesota Wolves was here five nights. One of those, we had to leave for the airport at oh-dark-thirty. Three of the other four, we did one of his favorite things -- we burned a shitload of wood in the firepit:

Nothing like a little fire, I always say:

No shit, I put him to work

Having used Minnesota Wolves as labor to clean up my own house, I decided I should take him to The Farm and put him to work there, too. Naturally, I enlisted Cpl. Wolves, as well. Since we needed to dig two new beds to house the squash and the cucumbers, I decided I didn't want to dig those. Hmmm, what to do? Enlist young strong backs and weak minds, of course. Fortunately, they were willing:

They stripped the sod from two new beds:

Really, much faster than I expected:

I'm not saying they liked me for it:

I tilled one, then Farmer Tom tilled the other:

Naturally, I surveyed the progress of the early crops. Here we have some kale:

This is something like kale that isn't kale. Fuck if I know:

Spinach:

Radishes:

And the newly created beds (they look they same, so I just took one picture. I mean, really):

Those boys worked like field hands. Seriously, why else do you have sons?

Minnesota Wolves visited last week, and I put him to work

Minnesota Wolves came for a week for his birthday last week. I picked him up at BWI Sunday night (really, Monday morning) and we went from there. Monday, I put him to work. Mrs. Wolves wanted some kind of mildew-removing shit sprayed all over the damn place, so Minnesota Wolves got the call. He didn't seem to mind:

I made him do all the ground level stuff:

It worked pretty well. Always good to see the boy earning his keep:

I did the aerial stuff -- the second- and third-story shit -- since if I fell off the ladder and died, I would lose fewer years than him. It all worked out OK, though. Meaning I didn't die. We were just a couple men at work, leading to this:

More about his visit coming.

Happy Easter, y'all

Hope you went to church before you did brunch or hunted for eggs. Lord knows the world needs some praying right now.

Happy Easter

Dana Loesh calls out the New York Times

She's completely right when she does it, plus smoking hot. Loesh, recently hired as a spokesperson for the National Rifle Association, spells out what a bunch of lying sacks of shit the Times is when it comes to guns (among other things):


As on ongoing campaign, this could get interesting. The reporters at the Times are famously ignorant about guns (of course, that makes them fit right in with the rest of the lamestream media) and Loesh is decidedly not. Good hire by the NRA, and I look forward to her work.

Sorry, Bobby

On this day in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered the Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses S. Grant and the Army of the Potomac. Although Confederate forces fought on for weeks elsewhere, Lee's surrender effectively ended the War Between The States.

Odoriferous? Really?

We got several email about stinky food. The first said don't eat stinky food. The second said please don't take stinky food out of the kitchen. After both of those emails were ignored, we go this one:

Good Afternoon,
Just a reminder that if you are going to be eating any foods that may be odoriferous (any kind of fish, cabbage, broccoli, etc.) please try to eat those foods in the kitchen area so as not to disturb the other people sitting in your room. We are all sharing offices with other people and what may be pleasing to you may not be pleasing to your neighbor so please be mindful of that.
Additionally please throw out any unwanted/excess food in the kitchen garbage cans not in the garbage cans in your room. The kitchen garbage cans are emptied much more frequently and food thrown out in your room may result in a lingering odor.

Odoriferous?

Ick

It is important to remember that these emails never get sent out if someone isn't doing the shit described in the email:

Hello Everyone,
It pains us to have to send this email and it is not intended for everyone. Please refrain from doing any personal grooming at your desk (nail clipping, teeth flossing, ear cleaning, hair brushing) and restrict these activities to the restroom or home. Doing any of these things at your desk is unhygienic and offensive to the other members of our team that share your room.

So, yeah. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

In case you were confused

For those of you who thought there was male and female, think again. Yeah, you fucking fools who thought that XX and XY settled things? Think again:

There is an infinite diversity of genders in the world.
Each person has a totally unique interpretation and relationship with any gender they inhabit, and there are at least as many genders as there have been humans who have lived.

I'm sorry I even provided the link. But I think it is important to know how stupid people can be.

Yeah, we can do stupid emails from management again

As many of you noticed, in December I abruptly removed a number of "actual emails from management" posts. Apparently, someone on the project was trying to use these posts somehow to get me fired. Anyway, better safe than sorry, so I took those posts down. It doesn't mean the stupid emails stopped. And since I don't work there anymore, I can post about the stupidity again and not worry about getting fired earlier than I would be anyway (you always get fired. It's how Temp Town works.)

In reading this email, it is worth knowing that our project was on the fifth floor, while the agency's corporate offices are on the third floor, Without further ado, I share this particular email, along with some information the agency declined to share:

Please keep in mind that the 3rd floor restrooms are meant to be used as a last resort only if the restrooms on the 5th floor are fully occupied. In other words, please check to see if the 5th floor restrooms are full before going to the 3rd floor. Also, it is especially vital that we keep the 3rd floor restrooms clean, so please make sure that you do not leave any paper products on the floor. The 3rd floor restrooms are shared by two other building tenants, and there have been some complaints from them about overcrowding and the restrooms being left in disarray. Our fear is that if the situation does not improve rapidly, the building management will see no other choice than to lock the 3rd floor restrooms, which would cut off the 5th floor’s access to them entirely.

This email came out after an incident in which someone apparently smeared poo on the walls of the women's restroom. I'm sure that if Picasso did fingerpainting in shit, it would have been called Poocasso. I don't think this rose to that level. Left unsaid in this email, or any future emails? Right after we got this email, someone took a dump on the floor of the third-floor bathroom, and the building promptly required a key for entry to said bathroom. Funny how that works. right?

Never forget Rule No. 1

That's right, they're lying. Fortunately, when they told us Wednesday to enjoy our four-day weekend, I started sending out emails looking for a new project, because I assumed they were lying. Good damn thing, because yesterday, we got an email: Oh, guys, that project is over. Sorry about that.

I wish I could be surprised, but I'm just not.