Friday, April 24, 2015

Administrative bullshit haikus

Got an email tonight that apparently went to everyone on the project, trying to put the fear of God in them.
Good Evening,
Thank you for your continued hard work on your current project. Due to some timekeeping issues that have been popping up we felt it prudent to send a reminder email regarding breaks. Please note that this email is being sent to all reviewers on your current project and may not be applicable to you if your timekeeping is indeed accurate.
Please ensure that you are properly accounting for your breaks. Failure to accurately account for breaks, which therefore causes improper billing, will result in dismissal.

Specifically, if you state that you took zero breaks and worked 7.75 hours in a day (which many of you do because you don’t want to work 8 hours which triggers the requirement to take a 30 minute break) you must actually work those 7.75 hours and not take a break. Meaning, if you put 7.75 hours down that means you actually worked 7.75 hours and, except for quick trips to the restroom/break room, you did nothing but work for those 7.75 hours.

As a reminder, a break would be considered any time, beyond a quick restroom/water/coffee trip that you are not actively working. For example stepping away for 5 or so minutes to use the restroom, grabbing a cup of water/coffee/etc. from the break room and then returning to your work station would not be considered a break (assuming you are not doing so multiple times an hour). Stepping away for anything beyond a brief absence is considered a break and must be noted as such when tallying your time.

Again, we appreciate your hard work and look forward to continuing to work with you on this project.

Best regards,

[Some corporate peckerhead]
God help you if you have to take a dump, apparently. Anyway, I have a response or two, Japanese-style:

Don't take a lunch break
Agency wants to know why
Eat at fucking desk

Bring my food from home
Don't go out to get my lunch
So suck it, bitches

I figure that about covers it, right?

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